Chatspace Funny pages
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A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" And the blonde looks up and says "Where?" Submitted By Jezz Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!" Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!" Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!" Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent. The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?" Paul says, "All over your back!" Submitted By Jezz Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks." She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it." They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL." She says, "Thank you." He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?" She says, "Go ahead." He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?" She says, "Of course." He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire." Submitted By Jezz These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time. The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud! She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!" Submitted By Jezz A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?" "No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead." Submitted By Jezz 3 Soldiers were captured in the desert. The first soldier pleaded with his capturer to let them go. His capturer said “If you can complete two tasks we will let you go” The soldiers agreed and asked “What is the first task” The capturer said “Go into the desert and find 100 pieces of fruit and report back here” All three soldiers went out into the desert and started to collect their fruits. The first soldier arrived back with 100 grapes, and asked what his second task was. The capturer replied “now start to place them all up your arse one by one, if you succeed you may go” As the first soldier had started his second task, the second soldier arrived with 100 raisins. The second soldier was also told the second part of the task was to start putting all 100 items up his arse. Suddenly the two soldiers became over come with laughter. The capturer asked “what’s so funny???” The soldiers replied “we just seen are mate coming back, and he has Coconuts!!” Submitted By Danny What does a women and a condom have in common? There both either in wallet or on your dick. Submitted By Danny What’s the difference between a fanny and an oven? The oven doesn’t fart when you take the meat out. Submitted By Danny What does a monkey and a chainsaw have in common? The both screw up trees. Submitted By Danny Why did Michael Jackson put cheese on his cock? Kids will do anything thing for dairylea. Submitted By Danny Gary Glitter announced from his cell today that after he has Served his time he and his family will be jetting off to Florida, USA to start afresh He Said "As soon as I get out, I am going to Tampa with the kids" Submitted By Jezz Gary Glitter and his girlfriend went into Blockbuster to hire a video for the evening. Mr. Glitter's girlfriend asks him what he wants to watch. He says "How about we get Aladdin?". His girlfriend says "Can't we just get a video, you're in enough trouble already." Submitted By Jezz Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds? Because there are twenty of them. Submitted By Danny How do you confuse an Irish man? Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. Submitted By Danny How do you get 100 Ethiopian`s in a mini? Stick a tin of baked beans in it. How do you get them out again? Run past with a tin opener. Submitted By Danny What’s black and looks like a drawing pin? An Ethiopian with a plate on its head. Submitted By Danny There is a English man a Irish man and a Scottish man all trying out for jobs with the S.W.A.T. team. The person who is testing them says "well done on getting this far there is just one more task that you have to complete. In that room there is you wife, you have to go and shoot her dead" First of all the Scottish man went in and he stayed in there for a while but in the end he came back out and said "Look I’m sorry I just can’t do it". So the bloke in charge says "well in that case you not the type of person we are looking for, Iam afraid you haven’t got the job. Next he Enlish man goes in, he stays in there a while and he to comes out and confesses that he just can’t murder his wife, so he is sent packing. Next the Irish man goes in. The bloke in charge standing outside of the room hears "BANG BANG" The he hears screaming and crashing and banging. After what seems like an eternity the English man comes out and says "some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I had to beat here to death with the chair that she was sitting on!" Submitted By Jezz An English man a Irish man and a scotts man are shipwrecked on a island. When a fairy comes along and grants them each a wish. The English man says "I wish that I was off this dreaded island and back with my friends and family "So the fairy grants his wish and the next thing he knows he is back at home! Then the Scottish man says "I to wish that I was off this dreaded island" and the next thing he knows he is at home with his friends and family. Then the Irish man says "It sure is lonely around here, I wish my two friends could come back!" Submitted By Danny A man is stumbling by the riverside totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He staggers to the river’s edge and subsequently falls in. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol. He asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk answers, “Yes I am”. So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t”. The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk answers again, “No, I haven’t”. But this time the preacher is at his wits end and he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?” The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?” Submitted By Danny A Social Worker visits an elderly lady once a week to check that she is OK. As she is about to leave the old lady asks the Social Worker “Do you like Brazil Nuts?” “Oh yes” replies the Social Worker, and the old lady gives her a paper bag full of shelled Brazil Nuts – beautiful tasty white Brazil Nuts. The following week the same thing happens again the old lady gives the Social Worker a bag of Brazil Nuts, Which she takes to work and shares with her colleagues. This goes on week after week. One week the Social Worker asks: “If you don’t like Brazil Nuts, why do you keep buying them?” The old lady replies: “My son buys them for me, but I have no teeth. So I just suck the chocolate and put them back in the bag”. Submitted By Danny A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurts wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." Submitted By Danny A ventriloquist sitting on the stage goes through his routine. The dummy he's holding tells one blonde joke after another ... "there was this blonde ..." The audience laugh themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman has had enough. She stands up and shouts "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!" The ventriloquist stops his act and says "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no offence." She says "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man on your knee." Submitted By Danny A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." Submitted By Danny A nigger a spic and a white guy come across a genie. They all rub the genie and out it appears. Seeing all three of them he says they can each have one wish. The spic speaks up and says i wish that all my mexicano brothers were back in mexico and free. Then the nigger says well i wish all my african brothers were back in africa and free. Last the white guy looks at the genie and says i wanna a question... you mean to tell me all the niggers are in africa and all the spics are in mexico? the genie replies yes. so he looks at the genie and says well fuck gimme a coke Submitted By Acid_Slave This cardiologist dies so his two best friends a proctologist and a gynocologist show up to his funeral where they are shocked to see that his family had him a giant heart shaped casket since he loved his job so much. While talking the gynocologist suddenly smiles and lets out a little chuckle only to have the proctologist look at him and ask what is so funny. He replied I just thought about what they would bury me in. Then the proctologist faints Submitted By Acid_Slave A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" Submitted By HellsGurl Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale..... Bob has been missing since Friday. Submitted By HellsGurl The day the penis asked for a pay rise..... I hereby request a raise in salary. Because i do physical labour at great depths. I dont get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a wet enviroment in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high tempreatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely Penis. Response: After considering your request and the arguments raised, we reject it for the following reasons. You are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You need to be stimulated into starting work. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and dont observe safety rules such as protective clothing. You cant work double shifts and you often dribble! Yours Sincerely Vagina Submitted By Danny Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.' Submitted By Bfg A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. 'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!' The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!' The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?' Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!' The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa: The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top ' Submitted By Bfg What do you call a prostitute with no arms and legs???? Cash n Carry!! Submitted By Manda  |